Nights Closing In

I've never got on with winter.

The cold bothers me. It's not just "not liking" the cold; it's a pain thing. My teeth are very sensitive, sensitive enough that when the air's cold enough, they hurt when I inhale through my mouth. Most of my joints react to the cold by becoming little clusters of pain, too; thank you, arthritis.

Likewise, the dark gets to me. I type this at not long after five in the evening, and already it's dark outside. I talk about being a night owl, and I am, but that doesn't mean that more night is better. Going to work in the dark in the morning and returning in the dark in the evening is awful - though as of right now I'm still sick as a dog, so that's one displeasure I am spared.

At this point, one might expect an anti-Christmas rant.

There isn't one.

I could go on at length about its faults and flaws but in all honesty - I just haven't "felt it" for years. It's been a case of putting up a bit of a front of enjoyment, and hoping that it would lead to me actually having some fun. Truth be told, at times, it's kind of worked; but I can't help but wonder if that was just being around people I care about anyway, regardless of season.

So rather than direct any venom at the holiday, I'd like to apologise to my friends that are still up to their eyeballs in christmas spirit. I just don't have it in me. I tried - lord help me, I tried - but shy of a miracle, this time of year is going to be (to me) just the same as any other, but more expensive, and with better excuses for hangouts and parties.

I try not to get in the way of other people having a good time. Just because I don't want to doesn't mean other people shouldn't. But if I seem withdrawn this season - it might not just be the sickness (which in itself is a pretty big reason why I'm in such a crappy mood). So please accept my apologies, and be understanding if I'm not so involved as one might want or expect.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.