It's Like A Sinewave

At the beginning of this week I felt absolutely fantastic.

There was a genuine spring in my step. Life was wonderful. I had so much hope, so much optimism - it was overflowing from me. It felt like I'd emerged from a tunnel into the bright dawn and I was running in the sunlight and not even feeling out of breath.

It could have been for a lot of reasons - the hot weather, the fact that my job is working out very nicely indeed and my finances are falling into line, looking forward to things to come - any number of things. Hell, maybe I'd hit just the right combination of sugars to balance my brain chemistry out perfectly.

I could have surfed that sunbeam all the way to the moon.

It's very hard to remember that you're on the rollercoaster at that point. You don't want to remember. This high point - this is where you want to be forever. It's where you want your life to stay. You don't want to go back to hoping a day like this comes along, if you're very lucky. You want this to be your new normal.

It never is.

Sometimes it's the tiniest thing that goes wrong - a phone call you forget to make, a bus being late, spilling spaghetti on your brand new white shirt. Sometimes it's a big thing, or at least it seems big at the time. Sometimes it's something that is actually quite big. Just sometimes it's nothing at all - like a switch being flipped by remote control, with no sign it's going to happen and no apparent stimulus.

That's the downslope, straight to the bottom of the sinewave. Wherein the optimism melts away, becomes an academic matter - you know that such-and-such is coming or so-and-so is good, but you don't feel it, not in any relevant way. When you're reminded of these facts, you have to concede the point. You weren't disputing their veracity. It just doesn't really matter. Not as much as when we were up there - up above the cloud layer, basking in the glory of the blazing sun.

This morning I found myself at the bottom of the sinewave. The rollercoaster has reached the nadir and is swinging around in amongst its own uprights and pillars, waiting for another twist or turn, or - just maybe - to find that chain that lifts it up once more.

Nobody made this happen. No event led to it. I'd like to reassure my readers of that - nothing anyone has done is the cause of my current mental state. Just a flipped switch; nothing much one can do about it. A helpless shrug, a wry smirk, and back on with our lives. I have things that need doing, be it sunny or shitty.

The key to it, as I have found, is to always remember it's a rollercoaster. Be aware at the top of your ride that there will one day be a bottom - and be twice as aware that when you hit a drop, there will one day be a climb. Prosaism can be boring, but it can also put one foot in front of the other when all else fails. Life is, as Bill Hicks put it, just a ride, and all rides have their crappy corners.

I wouldn't be anywhere near as capable of keeping that proasic view, however, were it not for my friends and the people I care about. Thank you, all. Every last one of you. I value you greatly.

(Also if you're one of my work colleagues - you totally count as my friends. The past two months have been a fantastic experience, as rewarding as it has been challenging, and frankly I wouldn't have it any other way!)

So what's the lesson to take from all of this? Basically, Blue October sum it up pretty well right here:

Jump Rope.

Keep on trucking, world.

Jingo Unchained

The forthcoming European election makes me sad. Not due to the process, not because of any involvement with the EU itself, but because of how it is starting to be framed.

Anyone notice that racism and jingoism are becoming news items again? That as the farce of how this country's finances are managed continues, and as the suffering that average people are being forced into deepens daily, we're instead treated to a barrage of news about intolerant middle-aged men? Not a single person on this planet could tell Halal meat by taste, 80% of them wouldn't know what it even means, but now Pizza Express and Subway are under fire for even daring to use the word?

That's the battleground this election is being fought on - and may be the same battleground the General Election is fought on, next year.

Several people are okay with this.

The Tory government, for example. They're loving this, because while everyone debates if immigrants are a good thing or a bad thing, while reasonable people try to quell fires lit by intolerant bigots, nobody is debating how their policies are steadily sinking this country like a stricken ship. After all, George Osborne might know nothing about economics, and Iain Duncan Smith might have a genocidal grudge against the poor, but at least neither of them are racist, right?

UKIP are okay with this too, because the more racist they come across, the more racists will vote for them - and the more they'll be in the news, for free publicity. They'll ride the wave as best they can, and stir up as much fear as possible. Employment being as low as it is, so many people will easily believe that a tide of immigrants is just waiting to snap up what is left. Fear politics is effective.

What we have to look at is actual policies, and the actual actions of the party in question, even the individual in question. Don't be swayed by the push-button racism: vote for the benefit of the country.

(It does bear mention that if you work for a living, or want to, then that vote is best spent on someone other than UKIP or the Conservatives, but then you can probably puzzle that out from their policies.)

This is just opinion of course. I could be wrong. It has to be noted that I've got a strong left-leaning bias due to not being fabulously wealthy, xenophobic or a complete fool - and if you haven't got that from reading this blog previously, you may have missed something.

Just...in the name of all that is holy, it's an election, not a popularity contest. Make the choice that makes your life better.

What I Got

So I have stuff going on right now, all kinds of stuff, here's a brief rundown.

HEADFUNK - I'm writing reviews for these lovely people. Any music you think should be given a good look, let me know. The Island's premiere site for music news an ting.

LASER LEMMING - I haven't written anything for these folks yet, but I'm working on it. Games, movies and general awesomeness.

WRITING - All kinds of fiction projects going on!

HOW WE ROLL - The YouTube channel for champions is on the way. Soon, my pretties, soon.

WORK - Yeah I totally have a job. And I'm loving it.

So if I don't blog very often...that's why. However, I'll try my best to keep it together.

Sunny Hours

Summer's coming, and so I feel like I'm coming alive all over again.

It happens every summer. Even if I don't do anything over the summer, no festivals, no big gigs, none of that - it's still a time of year that appeals to me the most. The sunshine, the warmth, it being light on the way into and out of work. The fact that things actually start happening - not only your standard events but the kind of stuff that enthuses entire communities.

This summer, I'll be working, which is fine. It will make that free time all the sweeter, and being able to pay my way. I don't have any big plans - I don't need them. Sure, I'd like to get some things done here and there, but you know what? The odd barbecue, random ice creams in the baking heat and sitting outside with a beer while it's still light at 8 in the evening...that sounds great.

I've got a writing gig or two; I've got good friends; I've got a roof over my head and all the music I could ask for.

Yeah, I think a little optimism is called for.

My Life In Film

Life is a film reel. You know, an old-school one, that comes in a big-ass can.

By which I mean it is both a contigious length, all of which comprises that life - but it is also comprised of hundreds of thousands of individual frames. Each of those frames capture a single split-second of the greater lifetime, often robbed of context and held alone, unless - of course - held against those before and after.

Sometimes what makes life really beautiful, really worthwhile, isn't that the reel is going the right way - it's the individual frames.

Today I was sat in the office. I was elbow-deep in a lengthy task, which I was quite enjoying. The folks around me where doing what they do, with all due care and dilligence.

Then the sun comes out and shines down on the car park outside; and one of my colleagues opens a window.

A breeze hits my face. Not a cold breeze - a cool one.

In that split second I was so very, very happy. I was content. My brain wasn't feeding me weird lines of crap, my body wasn't throbbing at me in any meaningful way, my joints weren't aching and my breathing was...just fine.

I was right where I wanted to be.

It doesn't happen often, but it happened in that moment, in an office in a building in an industrial estate in Westridge.

It's not always about the whole film reel. Sometimes you just need to appreciate the frame.

Blindsided

Sometimes you can be hit right square in the feels without even expecting it.

So imagine my surprise when, watching Tim Minchin on Netflix earlier with several other housemates, I am listening to a song - and as so often happens with songs, it mentally poleaxes me.

I daresay aforementioned housemates will be reading this and going: I didn't notice any poleaxing. (They might even get in a Polack joke.)

Well, that's because it was mental, you see. And if dealing with anxiety has taught me anything, it is how to prevent mental turmoil from seeking physical output. Well. Anxiety and other stuff.

The song is called Not Perfect. This isn't the specific performance in question, and the lyrics can be slightly altered depending on performance, obviously - but the lyrics that really hit me, like hit me in a shots fired shots fired kind of fashion, are below.

This is my brain, I live in it

It's made of love, and bad song lyrics

It's tucked away behind my eyes

Where all my fucked up thoughts can hide

Because god forbid I hurt somebody

And the weirdest thing about a mind

Is that every answer that you find

Is the basis of a brand new cliche

This is my brain, and it's fine

It's where I spend the vast majority of my time

It's not perfect

But it's mine

It's not perfect

But it's mine

And right now, just thinking about those words kind of has me in bits. Wasn't quite expecting that little ambush.

My love for songs that properly and adequately encapsulate a feeling, concept or situation is tickled by this, for the perhaps obvious reason that it's a rather succinct way to describe how I see my mental state - and hell, probably how most people would...maybe.

Perhaps it's a state of acceptance I need to find with myself. With the cogs and gears inside my skull that guide the big complex bipedal vehicle that I call Me.

Anyway.

It's not perfect.

But it's mine.

A New Hope - An Old Topic

 This is going to ramble; for that, I'm sorry.

Sometimes, all you need to keep going is something in the distance. Something that is worth surviving for - rather than something you are dreading happening, or the innevitable trudging toward a menial or unpalatable task or tedium.

I've found that while depression can lay me (and I presume other people) low at just about any time, it is always more likely to rear its ugly head when there is no pleasure forthcoming. When the light at the end of the tunnel is a toll booth or two weeks of intensive "why-don't-you-have-a-job" box-ticking, the light isn't quite so bright. Sometimes barely bright enough to justify approaching it at all.

There's several lights in my tunnel, right now. I'm very glad for that. Every day that it didn't look like anything was changing or getting better was an ordeal; now there's some things to look foward to, some opportunities and some potential.

The ensuing time - while in a very dark tunnel indeed - I spent a significant proportion of my days thinking, and several occasions led me to seeking refuge in music.

One of the things in music that I truly enjoy is when a feeling or concept or situation is surmised so superbly that it encapsulates the topic in question. Examples of this vary depending on topic, obviously. One of the topics often visited in music, however, is one that I find is rarely touched on in a way that resonates with me - that topic is, predictably, depression.

That said, there are several songs that really, truly speak to me on the subject; songs that I would refer people to if they wanted an insight into how it can feel, and it's a testament to the complexity of the condition that such songs are - given how wide a scope of music there truly is out there - terribly rare.

Several examples are Breaking Benjamin's Dear Agony, VNV Nation's Left Behind, Blue October's It's Just Me, Counting Crows' Black And Blue, and Nine Inch Nails' The Great Below. Some are bittersweet looks back; others are very much not.

My life makes more sense if I see it through the lens of music. As little as I like self-analysis - sometimes it is necessary, and having songs like this helps. Brave songs, songs that show the bare beating heart of the singer - having witnessed Trent Reznor and Adam Duritz singing their respective contributions, I can see the truth behind the sentiment, the source of the sound.

Just a ramble.