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Monday, 18 July 2016

Q & A - You Asky Me Talky

Hey there folks.

This week I'm doing something a bit different. I asked my facebook friends to provide me with some questions, which I, in this blog, will be answering!

I won't answer literally all of them - it's an attempt to get away from serious politics for a start - and I will remove names to protect the innocent. (Also two get mashed into one as they are kind of the same question?)

That said - here we go...

  • What do you think of the political situation in the UK at the moment? ;) - Ah see, tried to catch me out there...but see above for a pictorial demonstration.
  • If you were allowed to create a new animal, what would its characteristics be? - Chameleon-like colour-changing scales, a toxin that attacks cancerous cells, a generally sweet demeanour and BIG ASS WINGS. Oh yeah and it is like the size of a cow and herbivorous.
  • Favourite combination of 3 ingrediants - Tortilla chips, cheese and chilli con carne.
  • So I heard you like to write stuff so how about a challenge: write me a 500 word story about an owl & an elephant going on a treasure hunt in a jungle, but finding something with far greater value.. -
    Once upon a time, Owl and Elephant went to the jungle. They were looking for treasure, in order to buy the precious things they saw in the Big Town. Elephant put on a backpack, and into it they put a selection of food and drink to keep themselves healthy while they were away. So, thus prepared, off into the jungle they went.

    The first thing they came across was a river, which Elephant didn’t like the look of at all. “Don’t worry,” said Owl. “I will fly up and down the river and find a way for us to cross.” So up and down he flew, until he found a fallen tree large enough to support Elephant - and so they went. They decided to camp, but Owl needed a tree to sleep in, and all of the trees were too small. Only one was large enough to suffice, and it had fallen. “Don’t worry,” said Elephant. “I will lift it for you with my mighty tusks.” This, Elephant did - and so Owl had somewhere to sleep.

    Refreshed and ready for the next day’s challenges, they hiked through the jungle, looking for any sign of the treasures that were rumoured to be there. It was as they hunted for gold and jewels, that they came across a poor exhausted squirrel, hiding under a fallen tree. It looked so sad and dejected, that Owl refused his usual instinct to snap up the little creature, and instead, helped Elephant put the tree back up - for as we all know, squirrels live in trees. The squirrel was so grateful that it offered them the only thing it possessed - acorns. Several acorns, in fact. And while Elephant and Owl couldn’t eat them, they kept them, and were thankful for them - for they needed something to throw at an encroaching tiger, to dissuade it from devouring them whole.

    In the end, they came across a cave. “This must be the place,” said Elephant with a happy flex of his ears. “There MUST be treasure in here.” So into the cave they crept, as quietly as an Owl and an Elephant could - and in the cave, they found nothing. Nothing but a small mountain of acorns.

    Feeling somewhat glum, the two friends sat down, looking at the pile of acorns. “We can’t buy much with these,” said Owl. “Not much at all.” Elephant shrugged a little and got up, before - after a moment’s thought - stuffing the acorns into their now-half-empty backpack. “I know someone that might like them, though,” Elephant said.

    The squirrel was incredibly grateful for the haul of acorns. He chittered with joy, and was so delighted that he promised Owl and Elephant that - if he ever saw treasure - he would come and find them and tell them immediately.

    Squirrel never did see any treasure - but he did take to visiting Owl and Elephant regularly. The three remained the best of friends for the rest of their days, and sometimes - on golden sunny afternoons - they would reminisce about the treasure hunt of their youth, and how it had taught them the most valuable lesson of all.

    Squirrels don’t live in jungles.

    They aaaaaall drank Lemonade. The end.
  • Pokemon. Annoying stupid game vs the fact it is actually getting people out of the house and walking about. (Or "ingress" as Pokemon is using the mapping and portals well most of them for it .... It way more interactive and actually has a background) - Okay so. Pokemon Go. Some people are going to dislike something simply because everyone else seems to talk about nothing BUT the thing in question. I can understand that. The game itself - well, I've been out more over the past weekend than I have in the past three weeks combined, just for no other reason than to catch Pokemon. It's not exactly Axis & Allies but I would hardly call it stupid. It owes literally EVERYTHING to Ingress - but it was always going to do better, simply because everyone knows Pokemon. (And who doesn't want a Psyduck? Seriously.)
  • How do you get your whites so brilliant white - There's a fat sweaty man tied up inside my basement. The secret lies within his pancreas.
  • How would you personally help get rid of the body...? - Big plastic tub and some homebrew acid. Give it a week, then fifty-fifty with an alkali and into the drain it goes.
  • If you could go back in time and change literally anything in he history of mankind, what would you change, to what effect and why? Go...... - That's a really hard question. I think I would probably try and alter the perception of wealth and priviledge throughout the ages in some kind of attempt to make the world a better place, but I can't think of only ONE thing that would actually achieve that...
  • Or you could talk about cheese. I looooove cheese. Your choice - OH GOD I LOVE CHEESE umm I like brie and camembert and cheddars of most sorts and all sorts of other stuff...
  • What's been the biggest life lesson you've learned over the past year? - There's some minds you literally cannot change, even if they are literally and objectively incorrect. Strength isn't enforcing your will upon them - strength is accepting that and continuining with life anyway. As my dad always used to say...pick your battles.
  • What's the name of the big lizard in Godzilla? - Anguirus.
  • On the way 'geek culture' has risen and evolved over the years. How the public misuse terms and social identifiers like 'Nerd' and 'Geek' in the wake of tv shows like Chuck and Big bang theory? Maybe? - It's easy to sell both of those labels to their stereotypical extremes. Like, people laugh at Big Bang because the geeks are so geeky. Like, to actually offensive extremes. And then you have the normal folk - which is Penny. Who is presented in such a NONgeeky way that it actually becomes offensive. Like the entire show is just a big ring of fuck you to everyone on that "spectrum". Geek culture has become a definition so wide that it's hard to imagine how anyone WOULDN'T fit in it...
  • Or what the big moth was called in Godzilla. - Battra.
  • What type of animal was Yogi Bear? - A cartoon.
  • What's the best song ever? - This is a difficult question. My favourite song ever is Pearl Jam's Alive, but I don't think it is the best song ever. Music is a vast spectrum of aspects, and to specialise in one detracts from another. So we have to really look at a song whose lyrics are competent and artful but not over-wrought, whose music is accessible and memorable without being too simplistic, whose melody is impactful without gimmicky. All of that being said, in my personal opinion... the best song ever is, for me, Innuendo by Queen, from the album of the same name. Just listen to how it transcends the genre, how the guitar soars and screams, how the lyrics catch the imagination. Not a shred of sound wasted. Worth every penny.
  • Favourite muppet. and I'm not talking members of parliment :P - GONZO THE MAGNIFICENT!!!
  • Which computer game of your youth has influenced your adult life the most, and why? - Hard to say but if I had to pick any one of them, it would probably be one of the classic SNES RPGs - Final Fantasy 6, Chrono Trigger or Secret Of Mana. All of them feature traits that I find really admirable, at various different points - and showed me traits that I find to be despicable. Edgar's commitment to those under his care, Crono's courage to the last, Frog's fortitude - who couldn't take a lesson from that?
  • Birthdays: milestone or millstone - Depends. Honestly for me it's just kind of a meh thing...
  • Also, what's the name of the biggest twat that works in my room? - I couldn't PIERSibly comment.
  • What happened to the candles? - THEY WENT IN THE BIN I'M SORRY *helpless sobbing*
  • Who keeps blocking the toilet at the house? :-D - The last time it was SOMEONE who got a tattoo and forgot that strong paper towels can't be flushed. (No it wasn't me.)
  • What are the chances in life you’ve passed up on that you regret? - There's a few but not a whole lot. I regret not pushing myself harder in school. I regret giving into the things I gave into in the darker periods of my life. I regret trusting some of the people I trusted, and not trusting some of the people I didn't. Nobody can go through life without regrets though. Simply not possible.
  • When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you have done? - It depends what one defines as done, really. I've survived a lot, and I think that counts as doing. (That's an Aesop misquote, isn't it?)

...that was a lot of fun, you know? I'll have to do this again sometime...

Tune in next week for our regularly scheduled politics, economics, philosophy and bollocks.

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